I Hate You!: A Love Story
by godrevypoint
Summary: Draco Malfoy is an incompetent billionaire who has landed himself into a world of trouble. Hermione Granger has just quit her amazing job, and is now broke and in need of some serious cash. Misguided shenanigans ensue, but who will come out victorious?
1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:** Decided it was high time I wrote something new, seeing as I'm on summer holiday and have nothing better to do! This is purely for fun and I'm not sure it'll go anywhere, but hey, it's only fan fiction. It's not going to be dramatic in the least, I've had enough angst for a while. This whole fanfic will be written entirely from dialogue because I want to try something new. It might be confusing because I'm not going to put in any 'he said, she said' bits. Just read and enjoy!

P.S. Not any Draco/Hermione interaction in this chapter, but there will be in the next!

* * *

"You're fired."

"I'm sorry?"

"You're fired, you tosser, now get out of my office."

"I don't understand, sir. Fired on what grounds?"

"On the grounds that I don't like your face and you spilled coffee on my shirt yesterday. Now beat it."

"I -"

"GET OUT."

It wasn't easy being the big man at the top. Not all the time, anyhow. There was so much to do, so much to keep up with, so many ugly faces to see every day.

"Fired another one, Draco?"

"Yes, Pans, this was warranted though."

"Hardly, I just heard you call him ugly and, really, Draco, you're still upset about the shirt?"

"It was a great shirt."

"There's no helping you, you're a mad man."

"A mad man who likes his privacy. Feel free to show yourself out."

"Jerk…"

~*~

"So, Malfoy, how are we doing today?"

"People are so incredibly stupid, Zabini. Why do I bother?"

"Because it makes you millions of galleons a year and you get to sit in a nice office on the top floor. Look at this lovely view you've got. My office is on the sodding 8th floor and my view is of the construction going on outside."

"I'm the boss, you know, I could always get you a new office."

"Would you really, mate?"

"No."

"Prick. You could put my office right next to yours. Best mates should be near each other, you know?"

"Tell you what - fire Regina for me and I'll give you an office right next to mine."

"You just hired her last week. And she's nice to look at. Her bum is spectacular."

"Her mouth, however, isn't. Besides, you know the rules. Once you've slept with the secretary, you have to fire her. They start to think they're entitled to anything, otherwise. She already thinks we're dating."

"What! You slept with her already? You promised I could have a go at her first…"

"You were taking too long, I couldn't wait forever."

"Yeah…but…I was just, you know, thinking of some different tactics. What did you do?"

"I told her to stay late, then I just…went at her. She seemed completely fine. Actually, she probably knew she was only hired so I could shag her."

"Huh, if I'd known she was so easy I would have tried to shag her ages ago. I thought she had integrity."

"No woman has integrity. They all say they do so they won't come off as a slag, but really, they're just dying to be shagged."

"Such a gentleman, Malfoy."

"It keeps the ladies coming. Literally. Now be a good boy and send Regina home, permanently."

"Christ, you make it sound like I'm supposed to kill her off."

"That's not a bad idea, actually..."

~*~

"Alright, Ginny, I think we're almost done here. Thank you so much for helping, by the way, I couldn't have done it with you. Cleaning this flat is nearly impossible."

"It's no problem, though I've noticed over the years that you clean when you're avoiding something. Could it have something to do with you quitting your job?"

"It had to be done, Ginny. The Ministry for Magic is a sad excuse for a government. I mean, after the way they treated us during the war? Honestly, my only regret was staying there so long. Though it was very nice being the head of my own department…"

"Department of Magical Law Enforcement is no joke. You could probably ask for you job back if you wanted, you know."

"Of course not! It's a corrupt government if I ever saw one. You wouldn't believe the bribery and fraudulence that goes on in that place! I'd expect to see it on the outside, not the inside."

"So what now?"

"Now I fight fire with fire and show them what real authority is. I'm starting my own firm!"

"Oh no…"

~*~

"Draco, we have to talk about your new secretary."

"What about her? She's gorgeous."

"She doesn't have any qualifications. It's like you just picked her off the street or something."

"…"

"Draco, you didn't!"

"Not technically, anyway. We met at Flint's bachelor party last night. She said her other job wasn't working out for her. What was I to do, Pans?"

"You don't mean to tell me…she was a stripper?"

"…"

"Honestly, Draco, you're such a pig, I can't believe I ever dated you."

"Popped your cherry too, if I recall."

"Absolutely tactless…I'm married now, thank you, so if you could please refrain from saying things like that."

"Happily married?"

"What's that?"

"Are you happily married, Pansy?"

"What a silly question, Draco. Anyways, I've got to get back to work, and so should you. Though I cannot ever remember a time in which you actually worked. You might want to set a good example, being in charge and all."

"You didn't answer the question."

"God, you are exhausting. Goodbye, Draco."

~*~

"So, Mr. Malfoy, I hope all the paperwork was to your satisfaction? We had our best lawyers look over the contracts and they should be in order."

"Yes, they're fine. Is that all?"

"Don't you want to at least look over the contracts? Make sure they are what you wanted?"

"I'll take your word for it, shall I? If it happens that they're not, I'll just sue you. It'll be much easier that way. So that's it?"

"I…I suppose. Just sign the dotted line at the bottom."

"Done."

"Excellent. Welcome to a new era, Mr. Malfoy. Together our companies will flourish and prosper more than any of us could have ever imagined."

"Terrific. Good bye."

~*~

"I'm sorry, Miss Granger, but your plea for a loan did not go through."

"You're joking."

"I'm sorry?"

"There's got to be some mistake. I followed everything by the book. There was virtually no way I could be denied. So please tell me what went wrong."

"Nothing went wrong, Miss Granger, Gringotts is not entertaining any notions for a start-up loan at this time. The economy is suffering and we cannot simply give out loans like candy, especially for a firm that has no chance for survival."

"Excuse me? 'No chance for survival?' This is exactly the reason I left the Ministry! It's incompetent, arrogant people like yourselves - or actually, you're a goblin, I'm sorry - that make the Wizarding world such a failure! You've all been brainwashed, every single one of you!"

"I beg your pardon, Miss Granger…"

"No, I'm not finished! You could be so much more. You don't have to take the injustice that Wizards are serving you! It's time to bite the hand that feeds, my friend. You have rights too, you know."

"Ah, I knew your name sounded familiar. You were behind that SPEW fiasco a few years ago, weren't you?"

~*~

"Zabini, I think this is one those moments when my greatness needs to be acknowledged. I wouldn't object if you wanted to bow down to me right now."

"Fat chance. What did you do?"

"I single-handedly merged the company with Sofia Telecommunications International. Bulgaria's all the rage right now."

"Oh Christ, Draco, what the _fuck_?"

"That's not a very impressed expression on your face. Why aren't you impressed?"

"Let me see the contracts. I want to see all the paperwork right now."

"Listen, I don't like your tone…I was going to offer you a glass of champagne…"

"The contracts, Draco! Let me see them! _Now_!"

"…"

"…"

"You really are the world's greatest idiot. I mean, really, how the fuck you managed to be the head of your own company, I will never understand. Jesus Christ."

"Okay I am definitely not offering you any champagne. It's expensive stuff and it can't be wasted on insulting wankers like you."

"Do you realize what you've done? Do you?"

"I…merged the company with another very successful one?"

"Sofia Telecommunications International is now in charge of The Malfoy Group. Completely, irreversibly in charge."

"No, we're partners. See? The top of the paper says 'Merger.'"

"If you'd bothered to read the rest of the bloody contract, you'd see that yes, we are indeed merging with them, but they have complete rights to all our assets and will henceforth be in control of almost everything we do. They were one of our biggest competition, Draco!"

"But…the man was encouraging me to read the contract! I thought for sure if he as pushing me to read it that there wouldn't be any…nonsense…in there."

"You know what, I bet he was counting on you to think that like, you daft fucking loser. Your reputation precedes, you evidently."

"What reputation?"

"Being a mindless caveman who's only interests are chasing skirts and making money."

"Okay, don't forget that I'm your boss. I'll fire you in two minutes if you don't apologize."

"Go ahead! Thanks to you, we're all in control of _Bulgaria_."

"Look, I'll hire the world's greatest lawyer and we'll settle this. I did tell the man I'd sue him if anything went wrong."

"There's no fixing this. There's not one single loophole in this contract. You signed at the bottom, thereby giving them permission to fuck us in the ass."

"I really don't want to be fucked in the ass."

"Too bad. You're looking at a sore anus for the rest of your life."

"I absolutely refuse. I'm getting a lawyer first thing tomorrow."

"No one's going to want to represent you, mate. You've exhausted your welcome with the law and no person in the right mind would take on a dead-end case like this."

"What do we do, then? I can't lose my company! Do you know what that would do to me? I'd slowly lose all my income and become poor, poorer than the bloody Weasleys!"

"You're richer than the Queen, you tosser, you've got nothing to worry about."

"Listen, we've got to make this all go away. I can't have this getting out that I'm an impotent."

"You mean incompetent. Though, I don't know, you could be impotent too."

"Whatever the fuck, we need to _fix this_."

"Alright, you know what, this isn't all bad."

"Really, did you find a loophole?"

"No, I just realized I haven't raised hell in a long time. This could be fun."

"What are we going to do?"

"We're going to take down Sofia Tel with force. They'll rue the day they took advantage of your brainlessness."

"Shut your mouth about my brain, Blaise, or I will hex you into the next century."

"Save your strength, mate. Bulgaria is about to get what's coming to them. I've had enough of the Vratsa Vultures, too! They've won the cup six times too many."

"We'll burn Viktor Krum to the ground!"

"And eat his flesh for dinner!"

"How exactly are we doing this, then, Zabini?"

"No bloody idea."

~*~

"Ron, I think we should have sex."

"Uh, Hermione?"

"It's just that I'm in a very upset state right now. I've been turned down for a loan from everywhere I can think of, and it's been a while, and I think the logical thing to do would be to have sex."

"You know I love you, I really do, but we tried that already…"

"I said sex, Ron, not love. We're definitely not going down that road again."

"Oh! Alright, then. Right now?"

"Yes. Ravish me, Ron, I'm giving you full permission."

"…"

"…"

"Blimey, Hermione, this isn't any fun anymore."

"I know. Oh well, might as well finish what we've started."

"This feels like a chore."

"Tell me how you really feel, you insensitive jerk. Get off, then."

"No, I'll finish for you."

"Wow, how big of you."

"I am big, aren't I?"

"Ugh. Hurry up and come, I can't stand you right now."

"I think this might have been why we broke up in the first place. You're a bitch in bed."

"No, it's because you're absolutely _lousy_ in bed."

"You know what - ahhh…AHHH….mm, that was good."

"I can't believe my life sometimes…"


	2. The Proposal

**Author's Note:** The title of the fic, You Suck!: A Love Story, was not my idea, I will admit. It's the name of a book by Christopher Moore. It's actually quite hilarious and I'd recommend it to anyone, but I couldn't think of anything, and also it just seemed to fit nicely, I thought. So just wanted to get that disclaimer out of the way. And also, I've disregarded Deathly Hallows, so just pretend it was never written, okay? Here is chapter 2, enjoy!

* * *

"Draco Malfoy!"

"Oh no. I'm busy at the moment, Pansy, maybe another time?"

"Don't you dare try and shut the door on me! You're going to hear what I have to say whether you like it or not!"

"You've got that demonic look in your eyes, Pans, are you going to hit me?"

"No, I'm not going to hit you, I'm not a child. I just came in here to tell you that you're absolutely an idiot and you shouldn't be running your own company. Well, actually, Blaise has informed me that it's not exactly your company anymore, and who's fault is that? Yours. You bloody incompetent, lazy, mindless pig! Thanks for selling our souls to Bulgaria, we're all so grateful."

"That's harsh, Parkinson. It wasn't on purpose…"

"I can't believe you did this all in secret and didn't even take someone from the company with you. Blaise or I could have handled the paperwork."

"I wanted it to be a surprise! Like, you know, 'surprise, we're twice as powerful now!'"

"I can't believe you."

"And what the hell, Zabini told you? This was supposed to be a secret, I don't want anyone finding out."

"I got it out of him."

"What did you do, shag him? I always thought you married the wrong man, Pans."

"That's besides the point and _no_ I did not shag him. I don't think Adrian would appreciate you spreading those lies."

"Adrian Pucey is a lousy git who can't play Quidditch to save his life. Not to mention his last name sounds like -"

"Draco! You're just upset that he was the only one on the team who wouldn't cheat."

"Look, Pans, far be it from me to tell you to marry and who to love - even though I'm always right - but your husband is dry as a cracker."

"Mind your own bloody business, Draco. Like, I don't know, let's start with_ getting back_ your business."

"Blaise and I have a plan, don't you worry."

"I can only imagine what the two of you would do. Just leave it alone, Draco, get a lawyer to handle the situation. Oh and by the way…"

"Ow! Bitch! You said you weren't going to hit me!"

"That's for taking the mickey out of Adrian."

~*~

"I made a huge mistake, Harry. I'm going back first thing tomorrow morning."

"Not to be a downer, but…well, Marietta Edgecomb was given your job this afternoon..."

"_What_?!"

"I know, we were all quite shocked. She never showed much initiative, did she?"

"No! That's because she was too busy snogging the mail boy! God, that slaggy _sneak_! I always knew she was trouble. My god, I cannot believe they gave the job to that incompetent, little bi -"

"I'm really sorry, Hermione, but I don't think getting angry is the way to go about things."

"You know I love you, Harry, but now is not the time to be the moral police. I could just rip her head off. If that isn't the most underserved promotion ever I'll eat my hat."

"What hat? You're not wearing one…"

"Harry! God, just, you know what, I need some time alone. Don't want to kick you out, but really, I need to think."

"Sorry I'm such a deadweight, Hermione. Wish I could be of some help. Trust me, if I had to capital I'd definitely loan it to you."

"No, don't apologize, it's not your fault at all. This is just the punishment I get for making the first impulsive decision I've ever made in my life. It just goes to show that being practical and rational is the way to go."

"Well, there's always Malfoy's company; he's richer than the Queen."

"Right, I'll just stroll into his building and ask for a loan, shall I? There's no way he can refuse, we're such good friends, after all."

"Please don't be mean about it, Hermione."

"I'm not trying to be mean, but really, Harry? You expect me to ask _Draco Malfoy_ for money? I can just see him now, having a field day deciding which 'welfare mudblood' joke to say first."

"It doesn't hurt to try. You're out of options anyways."

"It would irreparably damage my pride, you see."

"I guess you'll have to take a starter job at the Ministry, then."

"God no! That would hurt my pride even more! I can't imagine working my way up again, absolutely not."

"…"

"…"

"So, you going to Malfoy's then?"

"Yes, see you in a bit, Harry."

~*~

"So Draco tells me you two have come up with a plan to get the company back."

"Has he? That's nice."

"You know you want to tell me what it is, Blaise."

"My dear Pansy, you're absolutely mistaken."

"Just skip the dramatics, will you? You know you tell me everything."

"You've got an evil persuasion, Parkinson."

"I know, it's a curse."

"I'll tell you if you give me a kiss."

"I'm married, Blaise."

"So?"

"Please be serious."

"Alright, alright. Though one day you won't be able to deny me and I can't promise I'll return the feeling."

"If that day ever comes, I will eat 20 Jammy Dodgers."

"What! You _hate_ Jammy Dodgers. You think they're empty calories."

"That's exactly the point, silly. Now spill it."

"Alright, well, basically we're going to storm Sofia Tel and curse them all within an inch of their lives before they're forced to rip up the contracts."

"God, you're an idiot."

"You could help us, you know. We're planning on a stake out mission this weekend; lots of fire whiskey, who knows what'll happen…."

"Ugh. Just one question - are _all_ men pigs, or am I just hanging around the wrong ones?"

~*~

"Hello, I'm Hermione Granger. I'd like to speak to Draco Malfoy, please."

"Got an appointment?"

"Um…no. I wasn't aware I needed one."

"Well this is the _Malfoy_ Group. I imagine a lot of people would be interested in speaking to Draco _Malfoy_, wouldn't you?"

"Look, we go a long ways back. We were classmates at Hogwarts."

"I don't care if you're 'is mum, you're not seeing 'im without an appointment!"

"You do know his mum died last year? How tactless of you."

"Look, miss, am I gonna have to ask security to escort you out? Because I doesn't mind doing it, do I?"

"Can you please, _please_ not be a prat today? I've had the most awful day, you see."

"Aw, miss, why didn't you say that sooner? 'Avin a bay day, love? You go right ahead and see Mr. Malfoy."

"Really?!"

"What do you think? Of course not! I'm calling security if you don't leave in the next ten seconds."

"You are the rudest, most asinine person I have _ever_ met! If I were still at the Ministry I'd have you apprehended so fast! Not before hexing you to oblivion for being _so_ incredibly inconsiderate! I mean, honestly, it's been a horrible, horrible day! You don't even _know_!"

"Harassing my employees, Granger?"

"Malfoy!"

"What's this…are you _crying_?"

"No! It's…it's really hot in here, I'm sweating."

"That's disgusting. And it's also a lie. It's the middle of January."

"She botherin' you, Mr. Malfoy? I was about to call security."

"Not necessary, Malcolm. She's coming with me."

"I am?"

~*~

"Mr. Zabini, are the rumours true? Are we really working for Bulgaria now?"

"Uh…who told you that, Will?"

"Steven's cousin's husband's godson works at Sofia Tel, and he says we've been bought!"

"Who the hell is Steven?"

"I am, sir. I work in marketing."

"Steven, you're fired. Effective immediately."

"What for!"

"For spreading slanderous lies. I won't have it. And good luck finding another job, I'm going to be writing a _very_ detailed letter for your resume."

"Please, sir, I wasn't spreading lies!"

"Out before I hex you!"

-------

"You know you just ruined an innocent man's life?"

"I do, and it felt so good!"

"You don't feel the slightest bit guilty?"

"_Guilty_? Pans, since when has the word guilty ever been in your vocabulary? I swear, you're becoming more Hufflepuff by the day. It's that tosser of a husband."

"Can we please leave Adrian out of it? I swear, you and Draco bring him into everything…"

"He's a tosser, that's why, Pans."

"I'll ignore that last comment. My real question is _what are you going to do_? This is going to get out soon."

"I already told you, my love, Draco and I are taking action, starting this weekend. By the way, are you coming with us or what?"

"You were being serious?! Blaise, please see reason!"

"Reason? Now you're sounding like a Ravenclaw. You're becoming soft, Parkinson. There was a time when you were a bad-arse not to be reckoned with. Now…well, you're nearly a Gryffindor."

"Take that back! That was so uncalled for!"

"Well it's true, isn't it? The new-and-not-so-improved Pansy Parkinson-Pucey is all about righteousness and _valour_. Not an ounce of Slytherin left in you, I'm afraid."

"That's it, you bastard. I'll show you Slytherin. I'm coming this weekend."

"Cheers, beautiful. Shall we open a bottle of champagne to celebrate?"

"Yes. I'm already anticipating the headache of being around you for an entire weekend."

"And I'm already anticipating the hard-on."

"You're sick!"

~*~

"So…"

"…"

"Are you going to say anything?"

"I'm just enjoying the view. Mudblood Granger sitting in my office, begging me for money."

"I'm not _begging_."

"Sure sounds like it to me. What's that you said about not having any other options?"

"Okay, so I'm a little desperate, but make no mistake, this is not for personal use!"

"Right, it's for… 'the start-up of a private Magical Law Enforcement firm.' Sounds almost impressive."

"Thank you!"

"But you do realize that there's absolutely no need for one, right? That kind of department doesn't get clients, so there's no way you can make money. I thought you were smart, Granger?"

"I…I had thought of that, actually, but…"

"Listen Granger, I'm feeling nice today. Maybe it's because I haven't seen you in a while, maybe it's because your tits look fantastic right now, I don't know. So I'm going to give you some sound advice."

"That was incredibly unprofessional of you to say, but what advice?"

"Get off your high horse and take off your rose-coloured glasses."

"I beg your pardon?"

"No, no pardon. It's the honest truth. The world does not revolve around unicorns and rainbows."

"What the fuck? Unicorns and rainbows, that's the best you can do?"

"What would you like instead? Large cocks and wild sex?"

"Nice. Very subtle."

"I'm Draco Malfoy. I'm the richest person you're ever likely to meet. I don't need to be subtle."

"Mm, I see why you're so popular with the ladies. You're endlessly charming."

"And your sarcasm is terrible. Anyhow, Mudblood Granger, I've got a proposal for you."

"Do you?"

"Work for me."

"Oh, that's rich. Yes, let's sign the paperwork this second."

"Can you not be sarcastic for two seconds?"

"Can you not be _serious_ for two seconds?"

"I'm completely serious, Granger. I want you to work for me."

"Doing what? Your company hardly needs any law enforcement. You're rich enough to get out of any trouble."

"It just so happens that the company is in a little bit of trouble, actually. It's top secret though. Can't tell you unless you promise to work for me."

"I really don't care if your company is in trouble."

"Aren't you dying to know, though? Big, powerful company like mine?"

"Why don't you tell me what you want me to do first."

"Alright, have it your way. I would like you to resume your sorry, little relationship with Viktor Krum."

"_Excuse_ me?"

"For some godforsaken reason he took a fancy to you. You dated twice, for Christ's sake. Don't know what he ever saw in you. Don't know what you saw in_ him_ for that matter, he's a complete twat."

"I'm not following. I am so beyond confused right now."

"You don't look half bad when you're confused. It's a good look for you."

"Malfoy!"

"We've got ourselves into a spot of trouble with Sofia Tel. Krum's brother is assistant to the CEO, so you getting back together with Krum could be very, very helpful."

"What kind of trouble?"

"You can't tell _anyone. _I will personally torture you into the next century if you do."

"I could totally take you."

"Yeah right!"

"No, really. I recall kicking your arse in third year."

"That was over 10 bloody years ago, Granger. And you sucker-punched me, which doesn't even count!"

"You cried like a _baby_."

"If you weren't a girl I would have punched you right back. Unfair advantage."

"If you want to punch me, go ahead. It won't hurt in the slightest."

"I couldn't possibly. What kind of reputation would I have if I punched a girl?"

"God, we just got so side-tracked. You were going to tell me something?"

"Oh yeah. So Sofia Tel are a bunch of wankers and they've taken over the company."

"_What_? I haven't heard any news about that!"

"We've kept it quiet. The contract says the takeover takes place in two weeks time. So we've got to make this quick."

"I don't see how my being with Viktor helps matters?"

"I've just told you, you silly bint. His brother is close with the CEO. Get me close to him, and you'll be greatly rewarded."

"Rewarded how?"

"Let's put it this way. I'll be paying you a great deal of money just to shag Viktor Krum. Every girls' fantasy."

"Not mine! He's lousy in the sack. I can't go back to that."

"I knew it! I had a bet in the 4th year. Blaise said he'd be terrific in the sack, I said he'd be terrible. He owes me 20 galleons…"

"Malfoy."

"Right, what was I saying? Oh yes, so Blaise and I have decided that diplomacy is for pussies and we're going to take them down with force."

"I don't understand. How did they manage to takeover the company in the first place? Only an idiot wouldn't bother to read over contracts properly."

"…"

"You were the idiot, then? Your lawyer didn't look over the papers for you?"

"…"

"You didn't even take a lawyer?!"

"Look, I wanted to surprise the company."

"Surprise indeed. Wait til they find out their incompetent boss just sold them over."

"They're not going to find out, _are they, Granger_?"

"No, it would be so evil of me to tell, I suppose."

"And what of my proposal?"

"I don't know…there's really nothing in it for me. And it would be so wrong to string along Viktor like that…"

"You know he's too stupid to understand what's going on. He's got a thicker skull than Weasley."

"Hey!"

"Oh, right, I forgot you'd dated him too. Wow, Granger, you certainly have a type, don't you?"

"I do not!"

"Well think of it this way. You'll be working for one of the most influential companies in Europe. The amount of money you'll make, you'll be able to start-up your little company. The Ministry will be begging for you to come back."

"What kind of money are we talking?"

"15,000 pounds a month. No more than that."

"_What_?"

"Oh, fine, 20,000."

"You must be joking."

"You want 25,000? You drive a hard bargain, Granger, but all right."

"No, no, no! That's ridiculous! You can't pay me that much just to date Viktor!"

"Welcome to the underground of the corporate world. You do a good job, you get rewarded."

"Wow…"

"So are you in?"

"I….I don't know…"

"Well?"

"I…alright."

"Excellent. Champagne?"

"Sure."

"You know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but your tits really do look incredible. Implants?"

"No! They're completely real!"

"Then in that case, can I interest you in some sex instead?"


	3. The Stakeout

Author's Note: I have to give credit where credit is due, so I should mention that this story is largely inspired by the fanfic 'Customer Service.' If you haven't read it, GO READ IT. It's the most hilarious fanfic I've ever read and also the most enjoyable. So you'll notice a lot of similarities, mainly the writing format and some of the plot as well. I've tried to differentiate as much as I can while still remaining a little inspired by it, so there you have it! Please review, I do love to fuel my own ego!

* * *

"Did I mention Pansy's coming on the stake out mission?"

"About five times already, Zabini."

"Oh. Well, she is. Should make for an interesting weekend."

"I wonder if I should force Granger to come?"

"_Granger_? What on earth for?"

"I hired her."

"You what! Honestly, mate, why do you never consult people before going off and doing, stupid, stupid things?"

"Smart thing this time, Zabini, very smart."

"How so?"

"Granger is willing to whore herself out. I'm essentially paying her to shack up with Viktor Krum."

"_Really_? I thought Granger had morals and integrity…and…morals."

"How many times must I tell you, Blaise, that no woman has integrity. It's something they made up so they can get out of having to shag someone ugly."

"You think? But Granger's different, though. She probably poos Gryffindor, you know, all that self-righteous shit."

"Trust me, she's willing to let that go for a cool 25,000 galleons a month."

"Christ! That's probably more money than she's ever seen in her entire lifetime."

"Weasley is the poor one, you idiot, not Granger. Her parents are dendests."

"What the hell are those?"

"They're sort of like Muggle Death Eaters. They specialize in torture of the mouth and face. I did some research. They make good money!"

"They must've been so ashamed when she ended up in Gryffindor, bless them…"

* * *

"Blaise, I don't like the idea of a stake-out, I've changed my mind."

"Pans, nobody's forcing you to come. It's okay if you want to stay home with your lousy husband and play Gryffindor all night."

"Ooooh, you really know how to get me riled, Blaise."

"I know, my love. You look especially ravishing when you're mad."

"So tactless…"

"So you're coming?"

"I suppose it's my duty to look out for the two of you and make sure you don't get into any trouble. It's the responsible thing to do after all, isn't it?"

"Wow, Pans, you managed to make something so Slytherin sound so _Gryffindor_. There you go with responsibility again. We're Slytherin - we're held accountable for nothing, because we cover up our tracks."

"If you call me Gryffindor one more time, I swear I'll show you the true meaning of Slytherin."

"Is that right…_Gryffindor_."

"_Argh _- _IMPEDIMENTA!_"

~*~

"Granger, I'd like for you to accompany Blaise, Pansy, and myself on a stake-out mission."

"You're barking. Me against three Slytherins? No chance."

"It's part of your job. Something I'm _paying_ you to do."

"How do I know you lot won't hex me as soon as we reach there? You could burn me alive and eat me for supper!"

"You're unbalanced, Granger. There's nothing that would taste worse than your burning flesh."

"Listen, I can't go. I don't trust you guys."

"Need I remind you that you're my employee and I'm paying you a lot of money to do as I say. If you disobey me, I'll fire you right this second and you'll be back on the streets."

"I was never on the streets, Malfoy."

"Irrelevant. The question is, are you willing to walk away from all this money and power?"

"I guess I'm not."

"Good. I've arranged a portkey to Sofia that leaves in 20 minutes. Meet me in the second floor conference room."

* * *

"Blaise, Pansy, I suspect you remember Granger."

"Indeed. How…_lovely _to see you again."

"Wow, Granger, you're a hell of a lot prettier than you were at Hogwarts. And Christ, are those implants!"

"_No_, Zabini, they're not. Why does everyone keep asking me that?"

"There's no way those are real. I've never seen tits so…perfect."

"Blaise! Can you take your mind off the female anatomy for two seconds please."

"Careful, Zabini, Pansy is getting jealous."

"I am not, and if you say anything further on the subject, I'll hex you."

"Ooh, I'd take her word for it, mate. She left me impedimenta'd for an hour."

"Nice, Pansy."

"Oh! Well…thanks, Granger."

"Are we ready? I'm aching for some toasted Bulgarian ass. Granger, you must be too, are you excited to see Viktor?"

"Am I seeing him today? You never said anything about that!"

"What the hell did you think I asked you to come for Granger, your charisma? No! Now I hope you're wearing some suitable knickers, we wouldn't want to upset Krum."

"I can't believe you. Actually, I can, I just can't believe I talked myself into working for a misogynistic, backwards-thinking pig like you!"

"Granger, you wound me. Shall we?"

* * *

"F-f-fuck, Draco, it's f-f-freezing."

"How did me manage to forget that it's about a million degrees colder in Bulgaria?"

"Pansy, you're the practical one, it's your fault for not remembering."

"Are you wizards or not? Honestly, I thought Slytherins were supposed to be cunning. Here, take these cloaks."

"Thanks, Granger. Beauty and brains, there might be hope for you yet. It's a shame Viktor doesn't appreciate those things. It's all fanny, no face with him."

"Please don't remind me. I did date him you know, I know these things firsthand."

"Listen, I was thinking, it might not be so bad. You look dry as a prune and you probably haven't seen any action in a long time. Maybe his clumsiness in bed will be so overwhelmingly orgasmic, that you're forget it's him that you're fucking."

"God, Draco, shut it, will you? You used to be so well-mannered, if your mum could see you now…"

"She's dead, Pans, thanks for bringing back the memories."

"Oh, don't guilt me. You don't have a single emotional bone in your body."

"True. So let's get to rocking, shall we?"

"Now what exactly am I supposed to do?"

"You walk knock on Viktor's door, his is flat 18C, and you seduce the socks off of him. We'll be listening with those Extendable Ears the Weasleys made. The only good contribution, actually."

"I'd just like to say right now, in front of witnesses, that I am a good, caring person who doesn't ordinarily use people. I think this is completely wrong and I will never, ever do it again."

"Get on with it, will you?! We're freezing our balls off here and you're trying to justify being a prostitute."

"How dare you, Zabini!"

"Granger, I have to agree. Get to knocking or we'll get to hexing, Draco and Blaise's private parts aside."

"Alright, alright. But you all heard what I have to say, so now I can walk with a semi-clear conscience!"

"Oh, will you JUST GET ON WITH IT!"

* * *

_Knock, knock._

"Who is it?"

"It's…uh…Hermione?"

"_Herm-ninny?!_"

"Yes, Viktor, won't you open the door!"

"Herm-ninny, you are standing before my very eyes! I cannot believe it!"

"Viktor, it's been far too long. How are you?"

"Vunderful, thank you. I am so surprised, Herm-ninny. And you are looking more beautiful than ever."

"That's very kind of you to say."

"Mmm…Herm-ninny, vhen did you become so frisky?"

"I've been lonely for a long, long time Viktor… I've missed you…"

"Mmmm…oh my, I can hardly believe my eyes!"

(_"What do you think she's doing to him? I've never heard moaning like that before!"_

"_Who would have known that prudent, little Granger was such a wildcat. Meowww."_

"_I've no idea why I agreed to this. We're basically listening to two people have sex, and two people who we _despise_ no less! You boys are so disgusting."_

"_Hey guys, do you ever think she might have been sorted into the wrong house? She's downright manipulative right now and it's turning me on."_

"_Blaise!"_

"_Oh, Blaise, you know how jealous Pansy gets. Lay off the other women won't you."_

"_I've had enough of your wisecracks, Draco - SILENCIO!"_

"_Pansy?"_

"_What is it Blaise?"_

"_I'm scared of you right now.")_

"Hermy-one, I am so glad you visited. I haff missed you as vell. I hope to resume what we started earlier…"

"Me too, Viktor, me too. I can't believe I managed to stay away from you this long. Don't leave me waiting any longer, I _need_ you."

"Mmmm…"

* * *

"Granger, you should have been a porn actress."

"Excuse me?!"

"Those lines were _fantastic._ 'I _need_ you, Viktor.' So bloody brilliant."

"I can't believe you guys listened to all of that, how humiliating!"

"So tell me, Granger, was he better than you imagined?"

"So much worse, I can't even begin to describe."

"Get used to it sunshine, we've got a long road ahead of us."

"I want two months' advance pay right now."

"No way! What gives you the right to ask such a silly question?"

"Do it now or I'm quitting."

"Go ahead."

"You would really put me out on the streets, Draco?"

"You called me Draco…"

"You'd really leave me helpless and alone?"

"Why are you moving closer? Back away!"

"I _need_ you, Draco."

"Oh my god. You're the devil. Take your two months' advance, take three months'! Don't ever seduce me again, that was both the most erotic and disturbing thing ever."

"You're telling me. Thanks, _Malfoy_, you're an awfully accommodating sugar daddy."

"You'll be the death of me."


End file.
